The strict budget we've set ourselves here to in Edinburgh leaves little room for discretionary spending. Thankfully, Jeni's dad has come to our rescue and provided us with a credit card which we use from time to time to go out and get a basket of chips and some drinks, just to get a break from routine. Yesterday, while taking advantage of his generosity (thanks for the Guiness, Don!) Jeni and I had an interesting conversation which I'll recount in part here.

Our conversation was about the reactions we get from people when they hear we are having a child, specifically about their reaction when they hear that I, Matt, will be the primary caregiver, a.k.a. the stay at home dad. The best example of this reaction is a conversation I had while meeting a new person on a Sunday morning at church. I told this woman how Jeni and I ended up in Scotland: that after I graduated college I came with her overseas while she goes to vet school, and that I'm not working but planning to be the primary caregiver of our child. Her response was, "That must be so hard for you, I mean, as a man."

Now, this is obviously a loaded statement, one which could be deconstructed myriad ways. In our coversation, Jeni and I focused on the way that this sort of reaction devalues the work of raising children. In essence, this reaction says that I am wasting my education if I simply devote myself to rasing children.

I pointed out that what I am doing isn't really so strange. In fact, I'm following in the footsteps of probably thousands of Whitworth women who have done the same thing before me, that is to recieve an expensive, private school degree and then to go on to dedicate myself to raising a family. Jeni then mentioned a recent New York Times article criticising women who make this choice, saying that if women are just going to be moms they shouldn't waste their time and money on education.

I lamented the fact that it seems like most people now see education as a purely financial investment, one which which is made to increase earning power, but not to change or enlighten the self. I feel that my time at Whitworth made a great impact on me, and I will raise my children radically differently than if I hadn't had that experience. Most importantly of all, I'm not giving anything up or making any great sacrifice (at least not one that causes me pain) in order to take care of our kids instead of earning money. How can we avoid the negative reactions people have to our plans for raising our kids?

Jeni came up with this great idea. Instead of telling people I'm a stay at home dad, we could simply tell them that I volunteer full time for a non-profit organization which cares for the needs of children. The organization is small, and most of the work is done via one-on-one or small group mentoring. I don't get paid for the work, but Jeni's earnings as a veterinarian will be more than adequate to provide for the needs of our family. This job is a sacrifice, but I feel it is my duty lest these kids just slip through the cracks and get lost in the system.

Man, now that's the kind of job people expect you to get after graduating from a Christian college. I might even get a write up in the alumni newsletter!

Well, there's our conversation. I actually felt even better about being a stay at home dad after having it. Of course, there are many serious questions we didn't deal with in the course of our conversation. Why as traditional gender roles are being deconstructed, which we always thought would bring about more equality, are traditionally female roles such as raising a family being devalued? Why are people more comfortable with the idea of Jeni quitting school and leaving behind all her chances of becoming a veterinarian to care for our child, than they are with me giving up whatever ambitions I have to care for our child?