That is what I said to my ankle bones the other morning, when I woke up to find they had reappeared in their former glory. Slowly but surely, I am in fact recovering, both from the parturition and from the pregnancy. My belly looks saggy and soft, but much flatter; my stretch marks are beginning to fade; I am able to stay awake for more than an hour at a time; I can cough and laugh without holding my scar.

All that's left to do, really, is figure out how to be a mother.

What if I can't get him to burp? Why is he still crying? Why does he seem to like Matt more than me? How do I tell what he needs? How in the heck to I fold that nappy? More than anything, how do I convince this tiny, squishy, confused creature that I'm worth loving?

It's pretty overwhelming, and a lot of the time I'm terrified that I'm going to somehow mess up, and make it so he resents me for the rest of my life. (jeni, you say, you're being irrational. yup, I know.) I also feel, while we're discussing irrational thoughts, that I somehow missed my chance to bond with him while I was recovering from the surgery and the mystery bug, and that now it's too late and I'll never feel like a real mother.

Hmm, pregnancy hormones much? I know they are at least part of it, but I feel like I'd still be overwhelmed even if I wasn't all hormonal and weepy.

It's not all bad. I am getting more used to taking care of him. I am not as scared to be left alone with him for awhile, and I feel less resentful of Matt when he seems to know what he's doing and I don't. Pumping is going very well, and he's eating about 50/50 breastmilk and formula. But there's still this part of me that feels so desperate and doubtful. I've spent 2 weeks being a mom and I still feel almost as awkward and clumsy as the first night.

Moms out there, did you ever feel this way? If so, how did you start feeling more confident in your mom skillz?

Tomorrow is Hosea's 2-week birthday. Expect some ridiculously cute pictures then, or maybe today if I figure out how to post pictures one-handed. Matt very considerately hooked the pump up next to the lappy, so I am checking blogs with reckless abandon every 3-5 hours. Whee!