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Thursday, April 09, 2009
Maundy Thursday, 2009. Blogging Westward*
Posted by Jenevieve
"I look beyond the empty cross, forgetting what my life has cost..."

This Easter I find myself living in the midst of some frustrating, even heart-breaking contradictions. Rich coalesces with poor, kindness with arrogance, mercy with ruthless judgment. Encouragement is pushed up against rudeness, hope and despair.

Okay, so I've just been working at the equine hospital, but still. It's one of those places that really piles everything on top of everything else. It's been fun, though.

It does, however, makes me focus on the more serious contradictions that occur in my peri-Lent Christian life. If I am free in Christ, why do I live as on in chains? I am chained by my anxiety, my selfishness, my laziness. Despite being raised from the dead, I lay at the bottom of a deep grave, fully alive but unwilling to climb out. What presses on my beating heart? Doubt, pride, self-loathing. In the face of sweet salvation, I turn my head and walk in condemnation, cheapening the work of Christ by refusing to live in its reality. It's no' good, is it?

"Can I be the one to sacrifice, or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?"

My Lenten fast failed. What started at a faith-focusing challenge turned into a legalistic battle, into which temptation walked easily and I didn't even look back, like Lot's wife but in reverse. Maybe I should be turned into a pillar of sugar.

I'm glad my husband prays for me. I think I need the intercession.

*with apologies to Mr. Donne

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